(Not Tyler Perry's) Diary of a Sick White Man

Dear Diary,

I woke up today coughing and sneezing like a monkey in some bizarre lab experiment. The same thing happened yesterday (see entry ..Perhaps I Should Quit Smoking Part 732..). I decided to call my doctor. Unfortunately, it was 7:30 AM and the Automated Voice Answering Service said the office would open at 9:00 AM.

My car was in need of an oil change and that pesky ..Service Engine Soon.. light was on, so I dropped the car off and walked home. Halfway home, I think I coughed up half a lung. It was far too small to be a whole lung, yet it was much too big to be lung butter. So, being of sound mind and body, I decided it was indeed half a lung.

I got home and decided to call out of work. I've transcribed the conversation with my boss..

ME: Hey, I think I have Bronchitis. I'm going to stay home and go to the doctor later.
:::SILENCE:::
ME: OK. Um, I'll be in tomorrow and work extra hours, so we can get the auctions done by Wednesday.
BOSS:OK. Get better.
:::CLICK:::
ME: OK. Thanks. Bye?

After that, I decided to take a nap.

I woke up at 9:15 and proceeded to call the doctor's office again. The line was busy. So, I waited 15 minutes and tried again. No response. Repeat. Twice.

I saw a lovely get-well on my AIM and that brightened me up a bit. I decided to make some tea and oatmeal. It was good. I felt like I was getting in touch with my British heritage. (NOTE: Thhe new James Bond movie comes out this week. See it? Call people) I tried the doctor's office again, and this time, I got a live operator.

OPERATOR: The doctor is out today. Veteran's Day.
ME: That was Friday.
OPERATOR: The staff usually has off on Friday, so they are observing it today.
ME: Uh, can anyone prescribe me Biaxin? I have Bronchitis and I really don't want to miss any more work than I have to.
OPERATOR: Are you a licensed medical professional?
ME: No.
OPERATOR: Is it a medical emergency?
ME: I'm leaking like a..
OPERATOR: I don't need an analogy. If it is a medical emergency, go to the hospital or an immedicenter. If not, just rest and the Doctor will be in at 9:00 tomorrow. Have a nice day.
:::CLICK:::
ME: OK..bitch.
OPERATOR: I'm still here.
ME: Oh. (I hang up the phone. Thank goodness I never told her my name).

So, I have no doctor, no car, an unenthusiastic boss and 1 1/2 lungs.

I think I'm going to watch The Office. That Steve Carell is a funny guy.

I'll talk to you later, my dear diary, that is, if I don't die from drowning in my own grossness or from boredom.