Quiet Humping

For years, copulating couples have been making a grievous error in etiquette. Believing they are being courteous to their friends and roommates, they have been partaking in a ritual known to apartment dwellers everywhere as “Quiet Humping”.

Quiet Humping is the phenomenon in which a couple makes love/screws whilst making a bare minimum of noise. Supposedly, they do this under the belief that they are being courteous to their roommates, houseguests and children. However, Quiet Humping is anything but courteous. It’s uncomfortable.

Picture this, you’re watching TV or reading a book in the common area. Suddenly, you begin to hear a persistent creak at apparent random intervals. It seems to be rhythmic, but the beat is anything but steady. If anything, it sounds like an un-seaworthy fish trawler. Then, you hear what sounds like a 7-year-old drowning boy gasping for air, uttering his final prayers to whatever deity he’s been told to believe in. The creak gets faster, the gasps a little louder. You may even hear a thump or two, like Jacob Marley dragging the weight of his sins to your door. Chilling, isn’t it?

Quiet Humpers, you are not only disturbing your friends, you are also doing yourselves a disservice. You’re putting yourselves under a pressure that denies you your right to have great, uninhibited sex. What’s more fun, whispering, or loudly declaring your love/lust for your partner’s sexual prowess, member size or wetness? Yeah, the latter.

“Isn’t it rude to do just let loose in a shared living space?”

Hell no! It’s entertaining! In fact, Quiet Humping is a completely selfish act. It’s so much fun to see a roommate’s significant other do the walk of shame after a night of breathless observations regarding genitals and sexual proclivity. Stop being so selfish and give your roommate the opportunity to say, “so, did you do her like David Hasselhoff?” To think, you are depriving your friends of such wit.

You're not being terribly stealthy about your torrid affair. Your roommates know what you’re doing and the only thing, aside from the creepy factor, that crosses their minds is that you and your partner are lousy in the sack. Well, either that or you’re drowning a 7-year-old boy in your fish tank. You have no rhythm whatsoever and you’re unenthusiastic about the process of sex. Now, appealing to that selfish part of you, do you really want them to think that about you? I mean, you’re a lousy lay and let’s say you and you’re significant other break up. Do you really want your roommate telling a potential girlfriend/boyfriend a story about your lack of excitement in the bedroom? No! You’re an animal! Let it out!

Can “Loud Humping” be annoying? Yes, of course it can, especially if I’m trying to watch The Shawshank Redemption. However, it provides hours of entertainment in the long run and good will amongst non-psychotic roommates. So, please, next time you decide to hump while your roommate is home, hump loud, hump proud!

Xoxo

Ian!!!

Copyright 2006 Ian Gonzales