Mixed Connections

I was thinking about submitting this to Craigslist in the "Missed Connections" section.

I was a 5’ 10”, 270 pound white guy with a scruffy beard on the Journal Square bound PATH train.

You were a 5’ 4” brunette (no more that 100 pounds), wearing a brown sweater and drinking a Dunkin’ Donuts Hazelnut coffee, medium, if memory serves.

I was thinking about the Augusten Burroughs reading I’d just attended and possible birthday gifts for a friend.

You were sipping your coffee, probably hoping no one jacked your car in Jersey City.

I moved closer to you, since more people got on at the Christopher Street stop and I pondered how Schopenhauer’s Will-To-Life could possibly apply to the pairing of Danny DeVito and Rhea Pearlman.

You were probably thinking, “God, this fat sweaty guy has moved way too close to me. I hate the PATH.”

I looked over and noticed a guy who looked remarkably like David Sedaris. I texted a a friend, elaborating on my observation. Sadly, it was not David Sedaris, this guy sounded way too blue-colllar.

You were probably thinking, “I’ll bet this sweaty fat guy gets hella bad swamp ass.”

While rustling through my bag for a pen, I thought, “If I loose like, a hundred pounds and shave my beard, I just might look like Kiefer Sutherland. Especially with my sweet messenger bag, it looks just like the ‘Jack Sack’.”

You got off at Newport/Pavonia and I noticed you were wearing sweatpants, like, outside, in, you know, public. My opinion of you dropped a thousand feet. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, maybe you should look into jeans or track pants. With the wonders of modern technology, there's no excuse for sweatpants (or leggings for that matter), ma'am.

xoxo
Ian

Copyright 2006 Ian Gonzales