X-Men: The Last Stand-A CleverSchmever Review…

Let me start off by saying, I have a love/hate relationship with the X-Men. I love the concept and a lot of the characters, but I hate a lot of the stories that chronicle their adventures in a world that fears and hates them. So, I’m open to change and adaptation when it comes to these characters. In fact, I encourage it. I’m not a continuity nerd, at least, not in the traditional sense.

When I watched the first 2 X-Men movies, I wasn’t annoyed or angered by the adjustments made by Bryan Singer and company. I loved their take on Nightcrawler and the character's borderline zealotry. I enjoyed the depth of Iceman’s “coming out” scene and I adored the opening sequence of the first film, where Nazi’s separate a young Magneto from his parents at a Concentration Camp.

However, Brett Ratner’s X-Men: The Last Stand takes the word “adaptation” to a whole new meaning. While Mr. Singer kept to the spirit and message of the source material, Mr. Ratner and company seemed more than a little lost. Perhaps it was because Josh Holloway turned down the part of Gambit, causing the character to be removed from the film. Or perhaps it was the lack of a screenplay. Or perhaps it’s because Tom Rothman rushed the movie into and out of production in order to beat Bryan Singer’s Superman Returns to the theaters. Whatever the reason, X-Men: The Last Stand fails compared to the previous films.

When the film starts, it looks like it’s going to keep the loyal spirit of its predecessors. The viewer is treated to a flashback with a young Charles Xavier and Magneto. There’s a fun fight scene that introduces a classic X-Men concept (I won't rruin it for you), a meaty Cyclops and Wolverine scene and the introduction of the sublime Kelsey Grammar as The Beast. Ratner even elevates Kitty Pryde from background character to full-on X-Man. However, the film quickly descends into madness as deaths that never happened in the comics pop up and a new explanation of the Phoenix gets blurted into the story. The lack of structure is akin to the work of a 6 year-old playwright.

Gone is the complex story structure of part 2, where several plot threads weave together forming a cohesive, stunning ending, challenging the viewer along the way. In this film, everything is spelled out for the viewer, there’s no real challenge for the audience. We were smart enough for the first 2 films, yet it seemed Fox thought we weren’t smart enough ffor this go-around, so they dumbed it down. Characters like Rogue, Angel, Mystique and Cyclops are tossed aside in favor of an idiotic Juggernaut who has to pee, something vaguely resembling the Dark Phoenix, “new” mutants and a suddenly vicious Pyro.

Magneto, arguably one of the most empathetic and complex villains in recent cinema history, traipses sround as a 1 dimensional supervillain. What happened to the man torn between his former friends and his ideals? It’s like the only person on set that understood the character was Sir Ian McKellan. Consummate gentleman that he is, Sir Ian delivers the dialogue he’s given and does his best to add Magneto’s previous persona into this installment of the series. He’s partially successful.

Then, we get poor Halle Berry. The woman has been shafted as Storm for 2 movies and now she gets her chance to shine. Unfortunately, her dialogue is so poorly written that you can see the super-talented Ms. Berry struggling to make it believable. She almost pulled it off, and that is a credit to her skill as an actress.

Kelsey Grammar was a great choice for Beast, as was Ellen Page for Kitty Pryde, but the film never slows down enough to explore their characters. When watching X-Men 2, there’s so much amazing character development from Pyro to Rogue to Nightcrawler to Wolverine and everyone else (well, except for Storm and Cyclops). Was it perfect? No, but it as, dare I court a pun, exceptional.

Overall, X-Men: The Last Stand seems rushed. The Angel is just there to say “Hey, I’m the Angel, I’m a character from the comic!” Jean Grey’s turn to evil is half explained and none-too satisfactory. It just happens. Also, there are a few grievous betrayals that are glossed over, and a major death happens off-screen. Mind you, none of the film even remotely resembles the source material. It’s like they were working off the first draft of a screenplay. It’s completely devoid of subtext or substance.

Oh, and the actual “Last Stand” reminded me of the beginning of Joel Schumacher’s “Batman and Robin” opening sequence…terrible. This movie was poorly written and quite a letdown. So, I say to you dear reader, at least Superman hits on June 30 and Snakes on a Plane hits August 18.

Xoxo

Ian!!!

Copyright 2006 Ian Gonzales

Pomp and Circumcision

I was in the deli today, ordering an Italian hero when I heard 2 men, probably in their mid 40’s, talking about castration as a viable means of deterring rape. Of course, one was for it and the other against.

“Willie! Cut off the willie and he won’t be a problem anymore,” said the one surly trucker, waiting for his bologna sandwich with extra mayo.

Personally, I’ve never found castration to be an effective deterrence, as a rapist rapes for power, not sexual gratification. You lop his pecker off and a broomstick will do just as well, just ask Abner Louima.

As the counter girl was slicing my salami, I remembered that I have a birthday party to go to this weekend. I’m unclear on the particulars, but I’m aware that it’ll be somewhere in the Union Square area. I need to take the train to the comic store before this excursion.

***Mental note, make some calls and find out particulars.***

Celebrations are a funny thing. If one looks hard enough at life, one can find a myriad of celebrations in the most horrifying of rituals. Take the Jewish ceremony of brit mila as an example. According to Wikipedia, it is “a religious ceremony within Judaism that welcomes infant Jewish boys into a covenant between God and the Children of Israel through ritual circumcision.”

In order to make this covenant, one must cut a child’s penile protection off. Granted, it makes cleaning much easier, but still, one has to question the sanity of the ritual’s parent. Did he choose the foreskin for a particular reason, or was it a crapshoot or the flip of a coin? Caesar, it’s foreskin, The Coliseum, it’s eyelids?

Or, look at the Evangelical practice of “The Altar Call” where one goes up to the alter, potentially in front of hundreds of people, and announces one’s belief in Jesus Christ. This is great for anyone without a fear of public speaking, but for a timid man or woman, this has to terrifying.

Actually, better yet, let’s look at Communion. Not Catholic, Orthodox or Lutheran Communion/Eucharist, but the broad view of communion taken by other Christian churches. You see, Roman Catholic, Orthodox and Lutheran churches believe in Transubstantiation wherein, the bread and wine are transformed, spiritually, into the body and blood of Christ. It’s taken verbatim from the Last Supper.

However, according to most other Christian religions, this ritual of Communion doesn’t involve the leap of faith that is Transubstantiation. No, instead, they view the bread and wine as a symbol with no real spiritual value other than mimicking the Last Supper on a surface level, with very little burrowing or spiritual investigation into the subtext of the original event. Monkey see, monkey do.

Rituals do come with an upside though. No, not the parties! Who wants to spend an inordinate amount of time with an aunt who forgot the necessities of deodorant at age 62? I’m talking about the real benefit, presents!

When I made my First Communion, I was about 7 years old. I was in the second grade and my greatest desire was to watch Alf on Monday nights. First Communion was on Sunday, so I had about 33 hours before my weekly ritual.

It was a nice day, sunny and Spring-ish. Back in the 1980s, the church would hold a special mass for First Communicants, so I got to sleep in a little later that Sunday. I woke up, had breakfast at the Tick Tock then my family then we ran home so I could wear my really expensive, one-time use only Communion Suit. It was all white. I swear I looked like a miniature Leisure Suit Larry.

We carted over to mass where I had to see some of the nuns from school (always a pleasure, especially when they slapped me on the head for having an uncooperative cow’s lick). We filed into position and heard the importance of the Rite we were about to partake in. The priest explained the significance of the Eucharist and how wonderful it was that we’d be taking in the body and blood of Christ and the concept of Transubstantiation. These were some softy thoughts for a 7 Year Old to take in. So, I began turning around, looking at relatives in the Church wondering what kind of loot they got me.

Out “family friend”, the Psychiatrist was there; he was a good guy and always got me some sweet gifts. To his left was my aunt, the Queen of Home Shopping. She probably bought me collectible coin of some kind. Bitch. Oooh! My deadbeat “cousin’s” in the back! I’ll bet she got me a card with a crumpled up Five Dollar bill inside. Score!

The mass went on I was blinded by my religious experience. Either that, or all the damn flashes from stupid relatives’ cameras fried my cornea. Anywho, I got carted home like an invalid and the fun began.

I was right about most of my gifts, save one. My “cousin” gave me a crumpled up Hamilton. When I looked at the bill, I noticed what looked like dried blood and white stuff. Mother assured me that the white stuff was sugar and she quickly switched bills on me. My “cousin” then told me she had too many pixie sticks as she rubbed her nose like dog who stuck it’s nose in squirrel feces.

My “cousin” was a Theater Major at a prestigious New York State college. She was about 6 feet tall and rail thing. She always had a puffy nose, which led me to ponder at Christmas whether or not I was related to Rudolph. She also had a voracious appetite, followed by long trips to the bathroom. She works in the psychiatric field now.

That year, she began telling me about Buddha and Siddhartha (a book I later read in High School). She was going on about the Meditative Mind and I asked her what it had to do with Eucharist. Mother quickly ushered her to the horse devours and me to one last gift.

It was a rather large package, at least it was to a youngin’ such as myself. I tore it open like a Romero zombie would a Biker and low and behold I got the greatest Communion present ever, Talking Alf! Talking Alf was about 2 feet and furry as hell. Later, my cat, Puddles, would lick him and cough up hairballs all over my house.
I would no longer have to wait until Monday to hear his alien observances and musings on the Human Condition.

Nothing was better than that. As I remembered this fond memory, my order was up and I paid counter woman. I grabbed my food and looked over at the two men debating the merits of castration. They’d moved on to the Yankees and the forthcoming Subway Series. It never ceases to amaze me the leaps in logic we, as humans will sometimes make.

xoxo

Ian!!!

Copyright 2006 Ian Gonzales

Ian-finite Crisis Part 1

So, my friend Greg wants me to explain DC Comics’ Infinite Crisis to him. Why? He's probably too lazy or too broke to catch up. However, I'll do my best to condense the monstrosity that is Crisis into a few blogs. I suppose I should start at the beginning, a very delicate thing, to be sure…

Back in 1985, DC Comics realized that their continuity was a mess. So, they did something no comic company ever dreamed of doing, a complete re-boot. That’s right, the DC Universe was going to start from scratch. They decided to publish a miniseries that told the tail of the end of the old DC Universe and the beginning of a new one, the Crisis on Infinite Earths.

You see, as the DC Universe continued to age, there were several variations of their top tier characters. There were 2 Batmen, 2 Supermen, 2 Wonder Women, hell, even 2 Atoms! Basically, if a character was created between 1938 and 1954, they hailed from Earth 2. If a character was created between 1954 to 1985, characters were from Earth 1 (unless of course, they were legacy characters like Power Girl-the cousin of Earth 2 Superman or Huntress-the Daughter of Earth 2 Batman). Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman existed on both worlds, while Earth 1 featured new versions of classic heroes (The aforementioned Atom, Green Lantern, Flash and others). Confusing, no? That’s not to mention the other parallel universes, like Earth Prime (a striking resemblance to the “real” world), Earth S (Home of SHAZAM!), Earth 4 (Home of the Blue Beetle, Nightshade and The Question) and Earth 3.

Earth 3 was a universe populated by evil versions of the Justice League. Superman’s doppelganger was Ultraman, Flash’s devilish duplicate was Johnny Quick, Green Lantern’s cruel copy was Power Ring and…well, you get the idea.

However, Earth 3 had a sole super hero, Lex Luthor. Lex was married to the Lois Lane of Earth 3 and they had a child, Alexander Luthor. Alexander had a unique biological makeup. He was composed of both Matter and Anti-Matter.

When the Big Bang happened in the DC Universe, there was an asshole scientist named Krona. Krona wanted to see the Big Bang. However, as all great minds know, once you observe something, you automatically change it, even if it’s the most subtle of changes.

When the Big Bang happened, Krona viewed the event and caused the birth of the Multiverse. You see, it was only supposed toi be one Universe, that is, until Krona observed it. There were an infinite number of parallel, positive matter Universes, and there was one Anti-Matter Universe. Both of them had their own guardians.

Upon the birth of the Positive Matter Multiverse, the Monitor was born. He watched over all things, taking detailed notes (and even an Apprentice, Harbinger) in his Satellite.

In the Anti-Matter Universe, The Anti-Monitor was born and became aware of his Positive Matter duplicate. Jealous of the Multiverse under his Brother’s Eye, the Anti Monitor began to eat the Positive Matter Universe, converting it to Anti Matter and thereby making him more powerful.

The Monitor gathered the heroes of the Positive Matter Universe, led by Alexander Luthor and Harbinger, to battle his evil brother. Many died, including The Monitor, The Flash (Barry Allen), Earth 2 Robin, Dove, Earth 2 Green Arrow, Supergirl, Mirror Master, Icicle, Kole, Earth 2 Lex Luthor and countless others.

The final battle started at the Dawn of Time, when The Anti-Monitor and the Specter (the Wrath of God incarnate) did battle, preventing Krona from changging the birth of the Universe and causing the remaining Positive Matter worlds to merge into one, putting both Matter and Anti-Matter on equal footing. Then, the heroes trek to the Anti-Matter Universe to kill the Anti Monitor. They win, but not without paying a heavy price.

At the end of the story, Earth 2 Superman, his wife, Earth 2 Lois Lane, the Superboy of Earth Prime and Alexander Luthor retreat to a “Paradise” because they can’t return to the new, unified Earth. Thus ended the original Crisis. That was 20 years ago…

For the past 20 years, Alexander Luthor, Superboy Prime and the Earth 2 versions of Superman and Lois Lane have been watching the “Unified Earth” unfold. At first, they felt their sacrifice was a just one, until the death of Jason Todd.

Jason Todd was the second Robin. He was a punk. He pushed some Latino kid with diplomatic immunity off a roof. Shortly after that, the Joker beat him to death with a crowbar and then blew him up for good measure. This “Unified Earth” was becoming a much darker place than our exiles would have hoped. Then, the unthinkable happened: Doomsday.

Doomsday was a rampaging monster with no brain to speak of. Imagine Bizarro, but dumber. Doomsday killed Superman. After that, everything went a little nuts. Coast City, home of Green Lantern, was destroyed. A South American steroid junkie broke Batman’s back, and a religious zealot took the Dark Knight’s place. Hal Jordan (Green Lantern) went insane after the loss of his city and tried to re-make the Universe in his image, killing a few billion people in the process. Aquaman got his hand bit off by piranhas and Wonder Woman snapped a guy’s neck on national TV.

The world had gone to hell and no one could save it. At least, that’s what Alexander Luthor showed his fellow exiles.

Upon seeing this world, only one thought crossed the minds of the forgotten heroes…This is a job for Superman!

To Be Continued…

xoxo

Ian!!!

Quiet Humping

For years, copulating couples have been making a grievous error in etiquette. Believing they are being courteous to their friends and roommates, they have been partaking in a ritual known to apartment dwellers everywhere as “Quiet Humping”.

Quiet Humping is the phenomenon in which a couple makes love/screws whilst making a bare minimum of noise. Supposedly, they do this under the belief that they are being courteous to their roommates, houseguests and children. However, Quiet Humping is anything but courteous. It’s uncomfortable.

Picture this, you’re watching TV or reading a book in the common area. Suddenly, you begin to hear a persistent creak at apparent random intervals. It seems to be rhythmic, but the beat is anything but steady. If anything, it sounds like an un-seaworthy fish trawler. Then, you hear what sounds like a 7-year-old drowning boy gasping for air, uttering his final prayers to whatever deity he’s been told to believe in. The creak gets faster, the gasps a little louder. You may even hear a thump or two, like Jacob Marley dragging the weight of his sins to your door. Chilling, isn’t it?

Quiet Humpers, you are not only disturbing your friends, you are also doing yourselves a disservice. You’re putting yourselves under a pressure that denies you your right to have great, uninhibited sex. What’s more fun, whispering, or loudly declaring your love/lust for your partner’s sexual prowess, member size or wetness? Yeah, the latter.

“Isn’t it rude to do just let loose in a shared living space?”

Hell no! It’s entertaining! In fact, Quiet Humping is a completely selfish act. It’s so much fun to see a roommate’s significant other do the walk of shame after a night of breathless observations regarding genitals and sexual proclivity. Stop being so selfish and give your roommate the opportunity to say, “so, did you do her like David Hasselhoff?” To think, you are depriving your friends of such wit.

You're not being terribly stealthy about your torrid affair. Your roommates know what you’re doing and the only thing, aside from the creepy factor, that crosses their minds is that you and your partner are lousy in the sack. Well, either that or you’re drowning a 7-year-old boy in your fish tank. You have no rhythm whatsoever and you’re unenthusiastic about the process of sex. Now, appealing to that selfish part of you, do you really want them to think that about you? I mean, you’re a lousy lay and let’s say you and you’re significant other break up. Do you really want your roommate telling a potential girlfriend/boyfriend a story about your lack of excitement in the bedroom? No! You’re an animal! Let it out!

Can “Loud Humping” be annoying? Yes, of course it can, especially if I’m trying to watch The Shawshank Redemption. However, it provides hours of entertainment in the long run and good will amongst non-psychotic roommates. So, please, next time you decide to hump while your roommate is home, hump loud, hump proud!

Xoxo

Ian!!!

Copyright 2006 Ian Gonzales

Drivel War

While perusing the Internet, I stumbled upon some rather bizarre political debates. However, these aren’t debates about the Bush Administration and it’s continuous string of bungles and shady side deals. Nor is it a debate about the recent debacle that was Italy’s elections. In fact, these ethics debates are about an entirely fictitious piece of legislature called the Super Hero Registration.

This past week, Marvel Comics released the first issue of their mega-event, Civil War. It’s written by Mark Millar (a huge fan of mixing politics and super heroes) and drawn by Steve McNiven. In a nutshell, tragedy strikes the Marvel Universe as a group of young heroes inadvertently kill hundreds of innocent school children. The US Government is sick of costumed vigilantes who aren’t held accountable for their actions. A bill is introduced into Congress that would make all super-heroes government employees, and thereby accountable. Of course, some super heroes don’t like the idea, so they rebel while others go along with it; hence the title, Civil War. It should be a fun story if the first issue is any indication.

Previous Marvel stories such as Secret War, House of M, Planet Hulk and New Avengers: The Illuminati, have foreshadowed a growing problem in the Marvel Universe. Nick Fury is no longer in charge of Marvel’s token spy agency, SHIELD, The Scarlet Witch de-powered most of the mutants (that’s the X-Men), and Iron Man, Mr. Fantastic & Dr. Strange shot the Hulk into space. Now, all these events have come to a head.

On message boards and talkbacks across the web, people are taking time out of their day not to discuss the current fuel crisis or hunger in a third world nation, but whether or not Spider-Man should tell the President his secret identity. Who’s right? Iron Man or Captain America? How does this affect Black Goliath? These fans talk about this issue as if it were a real thing, completely ignoring the subtext beneath the story of Super Heroes at war.
In a world filled with so many serious issues, such as the “War on Terror”, the scarred face of American Foreign Policy and Sally Struthers eating Ethiopians, These fans aren’t putting enough thought into what the author is really trying to say. All they seem to be doing is commenting on the surface.

Mark Millar, loves injecting politics into his work. Ultimates and Ultimates 2 is chock full of political ideas, some of which I agree with, and some not. But, like any good writer, Millar pumps these fictional stories with very real themes and the occasional iconoclast. Like Jonathan Swift before him, the world Mr. Millar creates reflects our own. He wants the reader to compare the real world to his stories. Unfortunately, it seems many fans are stuck on the fictional politics of the Marvel Universe and not of their actual, real-world surroundings.

The conflict in Civil War is an obvious allegory for Civil Liberites. This is not the first time Millar has put his political views in a mainstream comic book. In the most recent Ultimates 2 story, Grand Theft America, Captain America and company occupy a small Middle Eastern country. The citizens of said country despise said occupation. This leads to the Super Villains of the story seeking vengeance and punishment on the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave, much the way Al Qaeda, Iraqi Insurgents and other terrorist groups seek to punish the imperialistic devils of the West. Millar shows both sides of the argument, but there is a clear good guy in the story, the face of idealism himself, Captain America.

Mr. Millar wrote the neo-classic, Superman: Red Son. In the story, Superman lands in the Stalin's Soviet Union, as opposed to a Kansas corn crop. The story pits the Superman of the Proletariat against American genius, Lex Luthor. It’s an old song with a new breakdown. Millar portrays Superman as the kind-hearted demigod who raises the Soviet Union to an almost Utopian state while Luthor and the US Government repeatedly try and defeat the Man of Steel, often neglecting the needs of their citizens. The book is an allegory for the Cold War and all the horrors committed by both sides, both ideals. Arguably, it’s one of the best Superman stories ever written. It's full of subtext, just like Civil War.

Unfortunately, while reading what some fellow comic fans had to say, I was disheartened by the lack of logical leaps. There are little references to the problems mirrored in our world, just people psyched to see the obscure Nighthawk involved in the issue. Why is this? Why can’t they compare the struggles of these characters to the assault on Freedom of Speech that we’ve been fighting for years? Why must they look at the logistics of Super Hero Registration instead of the implications of illegal NSA wiretaps on their cell phones?


The truth is, I don’t have a concrete answer. Yes, entertainment is a form of escapism, but art stimulates thought. Civil War is a blend of the two. Is it artistic entertainment or art masquerading as entertainment? Either way, there are some excellent points to be seen in the story and I wish my fellow readers would make the intellectual jump.

Xoxo

Ian!!!

Copyright 2006 Ian Gonzales

My phone smells like ham...

A familiar beep rang in my A familiar beep rang in my pants.

"Ooh! I have a text message!"

I grab my phone, anxious to see who wants to talk to me. Who could it be? Am I being invited out for drinks? Does somebody want to say "hi"? Does someone need my counsel? Am I missing something funny?

I flip my phone open, excitement pouring from my brow.

"Capriciousness: You too can get cash now. www.ijustspammmedyourphoneasshole.com Jonathan"

What? No love? No need for my sage-like advice? No booze, coffee or corn beef hash?

Fucker!

You heard it here first, my cell phone got spammed!

Has anyone else had this problem yet, because I, for one, find it rather annoying. I get enough nonsense texts as it is from my friends, now I've got complete strangers sending me messages? What's next?!

I can see it now.

I'm on a date, it's going reasonably well. We're having a lovely dinner by candle light, engaged in witty banter, probably making fun of the other patrons or we're having a fiery debate about literature (OK, Star Wars or Batman, but just bear with me). Suddenly, I hear that familiar jingle.

"What's that?"
"A text message," I say.
"Oh, aren't you going to check it?"
"That would be rather rude of me."
"No, go ahead."

***Mental note, find less obnoxious text message ringer***

I pull out my phone. No doubt, my date is a little nosy (like most women) and peers at my phone only to see...

"Short Dick? Get Large Now! Big Penis isn't far away!"

How am I supposed to explain that? I'll no doubt go home alone, while an entire pool of possible drunken encounters perish in the flames "worst date stories ever".

"Oh my God! This guy I was on a date with got a text message about enlarging his penis!"
The giggles would, I'm sure, ensue.
"That's horrible!"
"His friends must be assholes."
"Yeah, but what if it's true?"
And so, the collective will most likely nod in agreement.

Chickenheads.

See what I'm going too have to deal with? And no, it's not just me either. How long until the Viagra and Provestra ads hit your phones, dear reader?

Man, this sucks.

xoxo

Ian!!!

Copyright 2006 Ian Gonzales

Mixed Connections

I was thinking about submitting this to Craigslist in the "Missed Connections" section.

I was a 5’ 10”, 270 pound white guy with a scruffy beard on the Journal Square bound PATH train.

You were a 5’ 4” brunette (no more that 100 pounds), wearing a brown sweater and drinking a Dunkin’ Donuts Hazelnut coffee, medium, if memory serves.

I was thinking about the Augusten Burroughs reading I’d just attended and possible birthday gifts for a friend.

You were sipping your coffee, probably hoping no one jacked your car in Jersey City.

I moved closer to you, since more people got on at the Christopher Street stop and I pondered how Schopenhauer’s Will-To-Life could possibly apply to the pairing of Danny DeVito and Rhea Pearlman.

You were probably thinking, “God, this fat sweaty guy has moved way too close to me. I hate the PATH.”

I looked over and noticed a guy who looked remarkably like David Sedaris. I texted a a friend, elaborating on my observation. Sadly, it was not David Sedaris, this guy sounded way too blue-colllar.

You were probably thinking, “I’ll bet this sweaty fat guy gets hella bad swamp ass.”

While rustling through my bag for a pen, I thought, “If I loose like, a hundred pounds and shave my beard, I just might look like Kiefer Sutherland. Especially with my sweet messenger bag, it looks just like the ‘Jack Sack’.”

You got off at Newport/Pavonia and I noticed you were wearing sweatpants, like, outside, in, you know, public. My opinion of you dropped a thousand feet. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, maybe you should look into jeans or track pants. With the wonders of modern technology, there's no excuse for sweatpants (or leggings for that matter), ma'am.

xoxo
Ian

Copyright 2006 Ian Gonzales

LolliLove-A CleverSchmever Review

The mockumentary is a form that most of us equate with “This Is Spinal Tap” and the inferior NBC version of “The Office” (sorry, I had to take the jab). It’s a fun, if limiting format. Trust me, I’ve worked on two and they’re a royal pain. As a filmmaker, one must strive even harder to keep the illusion of reality, as he or she is attempting to make the viewer truly believe that what lies before their eyes is truth.

The most successful variation of this form was the 1938 broadcast of The War Of The Worlds. Ah, the people of the early 20th century were so foolish, they actually believed aliens were invading New Jersey! Next thing you know, those dim-witted, backwards primates would believe the rest of the world has no opinion on American foreign policy. What a bunch of doofi (yes, that’s the plural of doofus). All political statements aside, Jenna Fischer pulls off the mockumentary with aplomb in the Troma Team release, LolliLove.

My love affair began on www.myspace.com. Unfortunately, I found out this girl was 13 and not 23, so I quickly moved on to the videos section. I saw a trailer for LolliLove and noticed James Gun (Tromeo and Juliet, Dawn of the Dead) was in it, as was the really cute girl from The (American) Office. Lloyd Kaufman himself did the intro and I was sold!

LolliLove follows Jenna Fischer and her real-life husband, James Gunn, as they wistfully decide to start a charity. After going over a list that included AIDS victims, cleft pallet kids and gays in the military, they settled on the homeless. More specifically, they decide to give the homeless lollipops. These aren’t your regular, run of the mill lollipops, no! These lollipops sport wrappers with original artwork and inspirational phrases!

The film tracks the idea from inception to execution, following James and Jenna as LolliLove takes on a life of its own and nearly destroys their friendships and marriage. Ultimately, it leads to a showdown with the homeless that will have you just as uncomfortable as I was the first time I ate Applebee’s Cheesy Bacon Tavern Chips. All the while, everyone in the film keeps a straight face.

Jenna and James quietly and adeptly take a scythe to pseudo-intellectuals everywhere. From subjects such as religion, to the Holocaust to personal hygiene, they have the most inane coffee table discussions, lampooning the lack of education and tact often seen in sunny Los Angeles and Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

Since it’s a Troma Team release, the movie doesn’t have the greatest production value. Whenever I watch a Troma movie, I tend to laugh at this little tidbit, not exactly in a condescending fashion, but in a “I made a student film that looks better than this” kind of way. However, the use of the mockumentary format hides the lack of budget. The team worked with what they had and turned out a funny tale about the bored rich trying to help the less fortunate.

All in all, I say go rent or buy LolliLove, available from Troma Team. The DVD is full of extras, ranging from commentary, to deleted scenes to a making of featurette. If Superman made you believe a man can fly, Lollilove will make you believe you can make a movie. The packaging may look like cheap porn, but it’s much more fulfilling (and cheaper, too).

xoxo
Ian

Copyright 2006 Ian Gonzales