The Ultimate Nerd To-Do List

1. Dress as Batman and walk the streets. Do not substitute for any other super-hero, as people will mistake you for live party favors, retarded or child molesters. Dressing as Batman and hopping the A Train is pure nerd. When confronted, snarl and scream, “What are you dense? Are you retarded? I’m the goddamn Batman!”

2. Since all of us nerds LOVE to eat, the next thing to do is to dress up in an orange gi, tease out your hair and hit an all-you-can eat buffet. When asked for a party name, you say “Goku”. Then, eat the hell out of some food.

3. This is for the big guys. Buy yourselves a maroon and goldenrod polo or scarf (see Old Navy or Urban Outfitters…I know it’s not Absolute Watchmen, but c’mon!). Next, get an authentic Harry Potter wand and knock people down. When they hit the ground, scream, “Gryyfindor just knocked you on your ass!”

4. Dress up in a white polo and green work pants. Hire a prostitute and dress her up in a giant chicken suit. Fight her. In the middle of a crowd. I would say find a friend, but hey, we’re nerds. And us nerds are pussies when it comes to taking a punch in the face.

5. Go see King Kong and announce to the theater that you thought Dead Alive was a much better movie. Get heckled by the popular kids, then thrown out of the theater. Ass. OR...go the the theater dressed with Kong Fists and Kong Feet and prance around like the 8th Wonder of the World. Get heckled by the popular kids. Get booted out. Yeah, you're still an ass.