The First Annual Disco Fry Party!!!

Daydreamer

Sometimes I daydream about following in the footsteps of my fabled cousin Will. He ran away and joined the circus. No one really knows exactly what Will did in the circus, even if he was shoveling elephant shit, I’m sure it was better than dealing with that side of the family.

During these daydreams, I continue to build upon the fantasy. First, I simply joined the circus, shoveling elephant dung and working at the deep-fried Twinkie stand. Soon, these fantasies grew dull, so I elevated my position manager of the fried Twinkie stand. It was a fun flight of fancy.

I’d talk to locals, asking them about all the hot spots in the neighboring towns. Most of the time, the so-called hot spots were the local Wal-Mart. One time in New Mexico, I once saw a group of children make an obstacle course out of shopping carts in the Wal-Mart Parking Lot.

As rewarding as serving deep-fried Twinkies to the general public is, I grew bored with that aspect of my circus life and decided to go out on the prowl. My goal was to be the circus’ resident Lothario. I went unchallenged, since the ring leader and the strong man were gay, the lion tamer was married to the bearded lady and the clowns were a bunch of eunuchs. The only real threat would be the elephant man, but he was deformed, so I didn’t have too much to worry about.

My first conquest was to be Lily, the nubile mistress of Cotton Candy. We were just outside of New York City. I stopped by the stand, asking her if she wanted to come to the city with me. She agreed and we were off. I asked her if she wanted some dinner, she was famished, so I took her to Gray’s Papayas. She was puzzled at first. “Why are we getting hot dogs, we can get hot dogs at the circus, I was thinking we could get some Chinese food instead. I miss Chinese food.” Then I told her “Honey, these here are real hot dogs, not the stuff we serve, we can get Chinese food later. After all, this is the city that never sleeps.” She nodded her head and we walked in. I watched as her mouth enveloped the hot dog. She looked at me seductively. She finished it in two bites. After that, well…Hot DAMN!!! No, I’m a gentleman, I don’t kiss and tell.

After a few of these lurid fantasies, I decided to check in on the day-to-day aspects of circus life. Old Man Haley hired a new kid, a 15 year old runaway named Tim. He shoveled the lion shit. He lasted for a couple of days until the night he tried to pet one of the lions. Stupid bastard.

After that, the circus got a little bonkers. The ring leader and the strong man decided they wanted to retire to Vermont, so both positions needed to be filled. We took out a classified ad on craigslist and eventually, we hired an ex-bouncer from The Tunnel, no, not Vin Diesel. However, they still needed a ring leader, so I decided to go for it. I wowed Old Man Haley with my spectacular stage-presence. After that, I had the run of the circus.

On the of-hours, I often would drive Bobo’s Clown Car into town and I would pack it to the brim with local souvenirs, like the “I’ve been butt raped by an alien in Roswell, New Mexico” bumper sticker or the neighboring Hagerman, New Mexico’s “I’ve been butt raped by an Illegal Alien” bumper sticker. I would take all the information I could about the area and work it into my act.

My favorite was when we did Newark, New Jersey. It was around the time they had something called the Portuguese Feast. I had to go and see not only our competition, but I needed to come up with something other than a joke about smokestacks and loose women. I had a bit too much to drink while I was conducting my research. I asked if anyone knew where I could get a good pork chop. The next thing I knew I was getting bottles of Corona smashed over my head. Turns out, pork chop is an ethnic slur! I had no idea, so I worked it into my act and the crowd loved it.

Sadly, these thoughts usually give way to reality, like when I get a call from a bill-collector or I’m about to get into a head-on collision 42nd Street. I let out a sigh and look forward to my next visit under the Big Top.

Copyright 2005 Ian Gonzales

Sin City

I saw Sin City at 12:01 in Union Square. The movie is nothing short of amazing. It's loyal to the comic, which means it's violent, sexy, perverse and hysterical.

The comic is a homage to black and white noir films and the film nails the look perfectly. The actors channel Fred MacMurray, Barbara Stanwick, Humphrey Bogart and pretty much every hard nosed detective and dizzy dame from Film Noir's heyday.

See it. Now.